THE ME I NEVER KNEW...

Part I. FRIENDSHIPS - WHAT'S HAPPENING
Part II. RELATIONSHIPS - CHANGE OF HEART
Part III. THE FUTURE

Part I. FRIENDSHIPS - First, I apologize to those that haven't heard from me in a while. Believe it or not, you are probably in my thoughts on a regular basis. If you're dumb enough to be on myspace (like me) I probably visit your page several times a week. I love to read your blogs and catch up on what's going on in your life, but I play the 'fly on the wall'. I want to keep informed on so many of you so I read and move on.

I must confess that most of my life I have been a 'quantity' friend. I desire depth in relationships, but I settle for just striking the surface. I haven't been able to be there for some friends when they've needed me lately. Usually my excuses are selfish. I've not sent birthday greetings to some of you because I was simply too busy wasting time switching my profile pic or song. I sincerly apologize.

Over the past 2 years or so I've really been striving to narrow down my friends into a category I've recently invented for myself called 'close friends'. Even though many folks may consider being 'close' to me I've not allowed them to really get into my heart. I'm sorry. I just never have liked to be vulnerable. Up until the past couple years I've not allowed anyone into my heart. I've been afraid to show my faults. I've been afraid to show my weaknesses. I've been afraid to confess and take responsibility for my actions. I may have deceived several into thinking they were deeper with me than they really were. Even though my intentions were to make them feel more comfortable with me, in the long run it wasn't a good thing to do.

I've slowly been trying to pursue a few people and draw them close and attempt to open up to them. I desire to become more of a 'quality' friend. It's hard when you want to spread yourself so thin among all of your friends. I've been focusing lately only on a few because that's what i feel I need right now. I will be in touch with the rest of you more soon. Thanks for hanging with me. Don't give up on me.

Part II. RELATIONSHIPS - An apology again. This time I apologize to all the girls I've dated up to this point in my life. This is probably the biggest reason for writing this blog. I have begun to realize why none of my relationships last longer than 5-6 months (with that one 8-month exception). No, and it's not because any personal hygiene issue (I hope). In a way it's like my friendships... I don't trust people with my heart. I never let ANYONE get in (except god). I didn't realize until now that THAT was the problem that inadvertently ended them all. I've been able to fool a lot of girls into thinking that I cared as much as they did, but most likely I didn't. I probably was attracted to their wit, charm, beauty, intelligence, or style, but I never let them in on who I truly was. I didn't want to give them any of me. I showed many of them love in the form of good deeds, flowers, and hopefully plenty of care & genuine concern, but I never let them get so close that I couldn't at any moment turn and just walk away.

Now, more than a third of the way though what could be my life span, I realize that you can't truly have a relationship with someone in this manner. When most of my relationships ended the attraction ratio from me-to-them probably was about 20:80 percent. I didn't want to feel hurt, so, in a self-defense mode I restricted myself from getting too far involved, and it hurt them instead. I'm really sorry.

Now, it's finally changed. I haven't fallen in love, but I have finally given my heart away. Truly. It was amazing for me. AND, I was excited about doing it. AND, it hurt. But it was a beautiful pain. I did it. I cared enough to give someone the very best- of me. To give them access to the very thing that makes me tick. I hope this is a sign of things to come in both my relationships and friendships. (Maybe, someday, I'll learn to have a relationship with God and a woman at the same time (that'll be tough.)

Part III. THE FUTURE - What do I have planned? Well, I'm gonna take some time off and not date. I don't know how long, but hopefully long enough. I'm gonna work on building back a relationship with my first and greatest love, YHWH (God). I hope to continue to forge strong friendships with guys that will challenge me and hold my accountable in my 'walk' ('crawl') with God. I'm gonna try to be more transparent, more real, more loving, & more open to hurting with those in my life.

Some people have began to notice that I've changed the past few years (and not just my facial hair). Most of these changes were not for the better (in my opinion). THIS change, THIS new trek, I am most hopeful in partaking. Lead me on.